Another Piece of My Healing Journey

One day this week I was reading from Scripture and when done reading I began to meditate.  In that place of solitary meditation I envisioned myself laying in the palm of God’s hands.  It was the only place I could think of that was safe enough.  They were huge!  His hands were positioned palms up in my meditation, and together, like you see when someone holds out their hands to have them filled with popcorn or grains, or maybe candy.  These hands, they were big like a swimming pool, and I was floating in the middle of them.  Way down, at the bottom of this God shaped bowl, was I, lying on my back and looking all around. The walls of this pocket were high; higher than any looter or rioter could climb–higher than any ladder could reach.  High enough that I could imagine nothing that could successfully make it over the top of them.  At the bottom of this big set of God/pool hands, I knew I was safe.

I looked around.  Everywhere I ran my hand was softness. There were ridges, too, but even they had a softness and a strength to them.  God had fingerprints!  I could see them in my meditation, and palm prints!  Amazed, I touched them.  The texture created by the ridges was unique.  I stroked and stroked the material they were made of and commented to myself how lovely it felt. There, in those hands, I finally realized the immensity of our God.  He was a fortress I could run to and be absolutely safe, just like the Bible says He is.  I had no fear lying there. None. And I didn’t feel rushed, either.  I remember thinking how big and powerful and unable to be harmed were those hands, and then a feeling of intense love and devotion overtook me.

I’ve been on a healing journey the last few months and its brought up a lot of junk; hurts and memories of the past.  I’ve had to think hard when processing these memories about what I truly believed about God, in the here and now.  When I was left alone with people that weren’t the most trustworthy of folk, where was God?  All those months I sat staring at the wall, depressed and despondent in my twenties, where was God?  When I fumbled the ball and sinned big, and hurt people in my wake, where was God? Why didn’t He stop me, them, us from hurting each other?  Didn’t He love me? Didn’t He care?  Could He not remember I was there, alone, abandoned, trying to figure it all out on my own and losing ground daily?

What has eventually come to me as a result of my journey is the truth that because God loves me so much, he’s given me free will.  And because He loves the world, too, He’s given them the same.  Some days we’ve misused it and that’s what we call sin.  It makes for a lot of sadness in this place, and more than a few scars.  But this is the good news in that bad tale.  A little bit of hurt can’t destroy me, and a little bit of disappointment can’t break me.  It takes darkness to discern the light, and as long as I’m resting in that Light and His power, I don’t ever need to be afraid.  Bad things will happen sometimes, because God loves us and allows us to use his FREE, no-strings-attached love gift however we want.  Regrettably, we often use it for our own pleasure (even pleasure born of evil).  Does it hurt when we misuse God’s gift?  Yes!  It always hurts, but it does not, cannot, permanently destroy me.

I truthfully don’t know why or how the hurt I do, or the hurt that is done to me, is prevented from permanently destroying us.  I only know that because I carry the mark of Jesus on my soul, it is.  Nothing can ruin me forever.  Not my stupidity. Not my selfishness. Not my confusion, and not my status as offender.  God’s love is as big as His pool hands. Bigger! It’s not in man’s power to overcome it.  Not by a long shot.

I don’t have meditations of this sort often, but this time I did.  I’m also gaining back my ability to dream at night. Haven’t done that in forever.  I’m glad for it.  I need the reassurance this time of mediation brought to my weary heart.

Recovery is hard work, and it’s messy, but I’m all in.  Sincerely, ALL IN!  How about you?

When has God calmed you after you were reminded of a hurtful event in your past?  Are you convinced, truly convinced, of God’s mercy and grace for you?

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2 thoughts on “Another Piece of My Healing Journey

  1. N. Bird says:

    Beautiful picture of God’s love described here. I could almost picture you, picture me, in the palm of His hand. Thank you for your willingness to share this part of your healing journey. This is pretty deep for me and so beautifully written that I am not sure how to respond. But there was one part that I understand all to well –
    “When I was left alone with people that weren’t the most trustworthy of folk, where was God? All those months I sat staring at the wall, depressed and despondent in my twenties, where was God? When I fumbled the ball and sinned big, and hurt people in my wake, where was God? Why didn’t He stop me, them, us from hurting each other? Didn’t He love me? Didn’t He care? Could He not remember I was there, alone, abandoned, trying to figure it all out on my own and losing ground daily?
    But God!
    Recovery is hard but it has begun and I am with you dear one, I am in, all in. Being confident the He, who started this good work in me, will bring it to completion! (Phil. 1:6)

    Liked by 1 person

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